Thursday, January 5, 2012

Has it really been THAT long???

I did not realize it has been so long since I posted.
Sorry about that.
What's been going on you ask?

Well, that's a loaded question.

Or at least a loaded answer!

Hmm
Where to start!?!?


This is probably going to be a bit of a rambling post so be warned!

I am going to try a therapudic approach to writing this post and that will be that I will just write whatever pops into my head in whatever order it does and therefore, it may leave you a bit bewildered and wondering.. "uhh, where did THAT come from??"

And, yes, I realize that was an INCREDIBLY long run on sentence. 

I also realize that run-on was the proper way to write that.

I am however, not going to focus on all those things like I normally do so that I can let the words flow freely from my heart and hopefully let them do justice to the thoughts swirling around in my head.

Also,

Side note,

It is 11:04pm in Ukraine right now and so, I am a wee bit tired..
Yep, I've finally adjusted to the time difference here.

Although something I haven't adjusted to...

Bryan being gone.

Yep, he's gone.

No, not for good silly!

He's just back home until court to work at the shop and take care of some things back home.

Yep, we own a bakery.

If you didn't know, well, it's only the coolest bakery in town!
And, it might be the only one, but regardless, it really is the BEST! :)

If you are ever in Moore, Oklahoma, you should check it out..

The Cupcake Lounge is the name,

Freshness and quality is the game!

Ok, so, now you are understanding the tired part right?
Yeah, yeah, I get a little silly when I'm tired.

Ok, so, where were we?

Umm..
I miss Aliyah.

I miss her a LOT!

Oh yeah Bryan..

He left on New Year's Day.

That. was. hard.

But, it needed to be done.

We had lots of things that just had to be taken care of and one of us had to go do it.
I thought I'd fare better here with the kids..
Yeah, now that I'm doing it.. not so much!
Ha!
Not really, but,

Ok, really!

I wonder how you military spouses do it!?!?


I mean, it is KILLING me knowing that I am here in another country and he is there, in another country and I have NO ONE here.

I am alone.

Well, as alone as you can get with 4 kids.

But you know what I mean.

Anyway, I have had my fair share of tears and pringles, and m&m's, and mentos, and gummi bears.
Don't judge.

I have probably gained 5 pounds.

Since we got here that is..
You know.. 80 days later...

Yep, we got here in October and then went home for a couple of weeks to get papers fixed and kids and back since the beginning of November..

80 days and counting..

That is almost 3 full months.

ahhhhhhhhhhh


Anyway, it's not easy being here alone as the only adult.

I have had kids arguing, nit-picking, complaining, whining, lying, sneaking and just about anything else you can think of that 4 kids stuck in a house in Ukraine for 2 months might do.


And, I have failed.

Failed how?

Well, you see, I am not one to usually take up New Years Resolutions like lose weight.. although I might have to now :/

But I do usually set goals for myself to better myself for my family, friends, church, business etc.

I set a goal this year to be a more gentle mom.

I want to not be so mean.

I'm not really that mean, but you know, when you snap at your kids and then you feel HORRIBLE about it?

Well, I tend to do that.

I get involved in something and they start to bicker and I snap at them and don't gently respond in loving kindness that would help nurture them into better beings..
I snap and tell them to stop it or I'll just seperate them and they can all go to bed.

Anyway,  just when I think I am doing alright on this thing, I lose it.

I have been so stressed over so many situations that I just decided I could handle that made them even worse that I have just not been the greatest anything lately.

I have been harsh and rude and sometimes downright untolerable- even I want to get away from me sometimes! ha!

Seriously though, I want to do better at responding to my children in ways that will help them and make them grow and of course, point them to God and his standards for living.

Over the last few weeks in our family bible study time, when we remember to do it and we aren't at the end of the day realizing it's been a rough day and realizing we didn't have our God time, we have had Galations 5:22 slowly but surely added week after week a new fruit of the spirit.
The kids are all doing so well at memorizing it!

"You can be like a good tree, growing good fruit!  Loving, showing joy, having peace. Waiting quietly. Being Kind. Being Good."

That's how far we've made it as of today.
We are still working on it.
Now, the sad thing is that every time we do this scripture I think, umm yeah I'm totally failing at this.
My actions are not loving, kind, joyful and definately not peaceful.  ahh
God help me!

What am I teaching my children?
Do what I say, not what I do?
I don't want to be that person!

So, anyway, there's this other mom blogger that has a FB page too, Women Living Well and Good Morning Girls.  You should check it out ladies!

She posted about a challenge to be a Gentle Mommy.

Who doesn't want to be a better Mom?
I'm in!

So, I like it, sign up, share it and wait for the big day to start - Jan 15.
Only, God says, it's time to start working NOW.

Uhh, I'm not prepared for this.. that's why I'm signing up for the challenge and the study God.

It's ONLY Jan 2!
I have 13 more days!!

WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING. TO. ME?????

Let me tell you what...

molding me

forming me

putting me in the fire and looking for HIS reflection..

(sadly, it hasn't been there, so into the fire I go)

If you haven't ever heard this analogy before, it is a great one.

One that I live by!
God is like a good Silversmith.
He refines the silver.  (or gold.. I don't really like yellow gold so we'll go with silver)
He refines it (me) (you) by putting us in the fire (life's little tests) (sometimes BIG) and pulling us back out, looking for His reflection.
Cleansing out the impurities in us.
Making us pure and whole.
Forming us into something beautiful!

This is the best little story --

Malachi 3:3 "He will sit as a refiner and
purifier of silver."


This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and
they wondered what this verse implied about the
character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of
refining silver and get back to the group at their next
Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made
an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't
mention anything about the reason for her interest
beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were the hottest so as to burn away all of the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that, "Yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver in the fire, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in the silver."


So, that's where I've been, in my Father's hands, in the fire.

I keep coming out not so pretty, so he keeps working on me.

I sure am glad he doesn't give up on me and just toss me to the side and find another to fill my place.

I am so undeserving of all the blessings He's poured out in my life.

I am amazed at his love for me.

Even when others come and say hateful things, even when all else around looks bleak and my strength is draining, he is still there, holding me and molding me.

He is making something beautiful out of my mess.

Today, I broke.

I failed big time.

I felt horrible for the way I reacted to yet another test thrown my way, and I called out for help.

I didn't go to God.

I went to my husband and to facebook.

I posted that I needed prayers.

I sat there and cried into my hands, ran to my room and cried uncontrollably and when I came back to the computer, I was so blessed to find that not one person had asked what was wrong.
No one called me to see what happened or to listen to me vent.
No, instead, they did EXACTLY what I needed them to do.

They went boldly before the throne of God and plead on my behalf.
They sent me scriptures and words of wisdom.

They picked me up from my fetal position, crying on the ground and carried my lifeless body before the throne of the King of Kings and laid me there.
And there,
there,
My Heavenly Father reached down, and stretched out his hands to me, lifted me up and sat me in his lap and ministered to my heart and soul.

I don't know what you are going through right now.
My trials may seem like child's play compared to whatever you are facing.
But, I know this!

I know that God, the maker of Heaven and Earth, cares for YOU.
He cares enough to clothe and feed the birds of the air and He cares enough to send floods of people to pray for and lift me up to his throne when all I wanted to do was run away and hide and cry in my pity. 

He LOVES YOU!

He wants to hold you in his loving arms and comfort you and tell you what great and wonderful things he has planned for your future if only you will believe him and trust what he says in his word.
He will NEVER leave you or forsake you!
He will ALWAYS provide!
God will make a way where there seems to be no way!
He works in ways we cannot see!
God will make a way for you!
I am so thankful that this happened.
No, it hasn't been fun around here the last few weeks and days especially.
But you know what, I came out of the fire this time stronger than I was before, and I don't mean in my strength.  I mean in HIS strength.

In my weakness he is strong.
That means that when I feel like I did today, when I just want to run away and hide and cry and wonder if it is all really worth it and if I am even worth it, HE comes in and saves me and touches my heart and heals my soul.
He reminds me I am his own!
I am a child of the ONE TRUE GOD and He will not leave me here to go it alone.
He is right here with me, paving a way and he is there with you.
Maybe it's time you cry out and tell it like it is..
Admit that you can't go it alone and that you need God to move in your life and on your behalf.
Tell me that you need to be taken to the throne and I'll lift you up in prayers and help carry you to the same place I fell today and will fall again and give you over to the ONE who can change your life, change your heart, change your circumstances!

Thank you for reading along and for praying and for encouraging us along this road.
It means more than you know.
Most importantly, thank you for praying.

Your prayers have made a difference!





3 comments:

  1. Thanks for being real, and for sharing how the Lord is working in your life.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sweet lady, you are not alone. As mothers, wives and humans in general, we fail. We all make mistakes on a daily basis. The important thing is that we have the desire to do better and allow God to do His work in us, through us and to us. Keep your chin up!!! You are a child of the Most High God!
    Shel

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  3. I loved reading this post! Thank you for being real. Thank you for continuing to shine for Jesus even when the going gets rough. I know it's in His strength and His alone that you're able to do this. Praying for ya'll!
    May Father's faithfulness continue to be poured out on you and your precious family.
    In Him,
    Mary

    ReplyDelete