Wednesday, December 28, 2011

A bit of honesty....

I have to admit, I have been avoiding posting on here like the plague.
I have many reasons why.
Namely, I have been sick, frustrated, no updates worthy of posting and outright lost at what to say.
This journey has been one for the books for sure!
It has been a whirlwind of every emotion imaginable.
I feel like I am completely and utterly useless at times and that is a feeling I despise.
I don't like to have things out of my control and I don't like feeling like there is nothing I can do.
Well, such is life in a country other than my own.
I don't know the ropes here.
I don't know who to go to when things go awry.
I don't know who answers to whom and where to go when you need assistance in a situation.
I have to just ride the ropes and hold on for dear life and pray that things will work out.
Of course, in my heart, I KNOW things will work out.
I know that this time of testing and trial is only to bring glory to God.
I have to admit though, I have dealt with this trial in every way but to bring glory to God.
I have failed this test.
I have acted out in my anger and my frustration and have allowed my flesh to control my reactions rather than standing on and believing the promises of God that we came here on.
I know that this is not an easy road, but boy, it was so much easier last time!
I have heard of horror stories in adoptions and just was so thankful that it was not our story.
Ha!
Well, of course, when you submit your lives completely to God, he asks you to do things that you may not be comfortable doing. 
He purposefully takes you OUT of your comfort zone to stretch you and make you grow and ulitimately to show HIS STREGNTH.
Well, let me tell you, this gal is feeling like a rubber band that has been stretched to the limit, popped back, flopped on the ground and picked up to be done all over again.
Why do I feel like this?
Because, I am trying to act in my own stregnth.
I have thought, I can handle this.
I can figure this out.
I can fix this.
I have thought that my problem was my problem and I could fix it.
Yeah, you see the problem there don't you.
I haven't spent my time in the word with my heavenly father like I should lately.
I have sulked, pouted and had outbursts even.
I have tried to do things in my own power, thinking I've got this. 
You see, he gave me strength to come here and to get this far.. I'm good right?
NO!
I KNOW better than that!
Yet, I still seperated myself from his covering and opened myself up to all kinds of pelting from Satan and his army that was just waiting for me to do exactly this.
So, I'm done.
I'm done with this game.
I am done trying to do things in my own strength.
I am done thinking I am even remotely strong enough for this journey on my own.
Thankfully, I have a band of brothers and sisters in the Lord that have continually lifted our family up in prayer and have kept us held up in front of the throne of God even when we could not or would not bring ourselves there. 
Let me tell you also, that I have so many great friends on FB that continually post inspiring and truthful scriptures from God's word that truly do impact the lives of those reading them, even if we don't always take the time to tell you so.
I have one friend that every morning posts scriptures from his time with God that morning.
At first, I was annoyed by this a couple of years back when we first became FB friends (been friends MUCH longer than that but we'll just go with the fb time and I'm sure he'd appreciate that! LOL ) 
Anyway, this pal of mine, he would post several scriptures everyday and most days in the beginning I would see the outline of his post and know that was something that was going to convict me and I didn't exactly want to read about it.  That was stuff that was given to him that morning, not me.. only, I wasn't having my time, so maybe, it was. 
As time passed, I began to read those posts more and more.
I began to seek out his posts after a while and now, I daily log in every morning to see what he posts from God's word.
Some days, it's just a scriputre that I think oh, ok. 
Others it is like a big FLASHING LIGHT that is saying, Alecia, come this way!
I want you to come over here!
Listen to me, Trust me, Obey me.
I have several friends that post things like this and for you, I am thankful.
You help me when I get in this condition of self-righteousness and then feel like I don't want to or am even worthy enough to crawl back to God and say sorry for what I've done.
I have read several of these posts over the last few days and they are what has  helped me to get back on track.
I am not perfect.
Far from it!
I mess up on a daily basis!
I do need encouragement.
I do get discouraged.
I do have feelings and they do get hurt when people say hateful things and want to tell me to quit whatever God has called me to do.
I do question myself and what I am doing a lot.
I do also know that God has called me and he will equip me for all that he has for me to do.
I wanted to share some of the scriptures that have helped bring me back:

"The LORD is near to all who call upon Him; to all who call upon Him in truth." Psalm 145:18

My thoughts today: "If God brings you to it, He'll see you thru it." and "I can do ALL things thru Christ who strengthens me." and "No one who does anything worthwhile for God has traveled an easy road."

Matthew 6:33 NIV
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.


O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.
...
You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?

Or where shall I flee from your presence? (Psalm 139:1-7 ESV)
That one reminds me that even when I'm afraid to kneel before him and admit all my wrongdoings - he already knows, and he still loves me and wants to help me!
 
Placing your faith in God opens the door for Him to work miracles out of messes!
 
Another quote:
Only God can turn a mess into a message,
A test  into a testimony, a trial into a triumph, and a victim into a victory!
 
Thankful I have friends that follow this one:
Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works.

~ Hebrews 10:24
 
"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong & let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord" Psalm 27:13 ♥
 
He made heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them.
He keeps every promise forever. http://bible.us/Ps146.6.NLT
 
God expects but one thing of you, and that is that you...let God be God in you. Meister Eckhart

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31 


Praise the Lord !

Let all that I am praise the Lord . http://bible.us/Ps146.1.NLT


This is one I needed.  I needed to be reminded that sometimes, we have to command ourselves to do what we know to do.

So, with all of that being said, I am on the mend, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I will do my best to keep up with this blog better and keep you all informed about things you can pray about and help with and not shut down and hide like I have done.

We have seen both the kids a few times since the last post.


Misha has a new name!
His new name is Aaron Michael Horner.
He is practicing saying it and is so excited to spend time with us.
He plays around saying in Russian - my name is Papa or My name is Mama along with really saying my name is Aaron. :)
We love him so much!

Aliyah is at her grandparent's home for the holiday.
This was one of the things that was very hard for us to hear and to accept.

This means that she is gone for another 2 weeks of which we will not be able to see her.
It will be a total of 3 weeks of missed visits when we see her again.
We weren't warned about this or even told, we showed up for our visit and were told she was gone.
This was a concern for us for many reasons, her bio father lives there and his rights have been terminated. We have also been told somethings about her gparents that raise valid concerns for her safety.  We were told that she had to go there and was legally there according to the petition that was filed by her gpa to the local government there and it was approved by them.
So, we can't do anything.
We can't see her or communicate with her for another week and 1/2.
This is tough.

I am praying and trusting God that he is watching over her and that she will enjoy her time with her gparents as this is likely the last time they will spend holidays together.

So, if you have wondered where I've been or why there have been no updates, now you know.
My heart has been breaking along with my body being ill and I didn't know what to say or do.
I am on the mend and praying for strength and grace to handle these situations the way God wants me to.

We still have a substancial financial need that we must raise before being able to complete the adoptions and come home. 
If you would like to contribute, you can do so here on the blog through paypal or though www.eliproject.org and mark it for the Horner Family Adoptions.

I am going to post some pics for you now as I'm sure you want to see these cuties! :)

We got to see Aaron on the Sunday before St. Nicholaus day - which is a big deal in UA.
We got to attend a program with him and they gave the kids all bags with a banana, cookie, bubbles and a juice.
Ahh a new found joy in bubbles!
Or as Aaron says.. icky bolicky!
I guess that means bubbles!? :) ha

This was our latest visit with Aliyah.
It was on St. Nicholaus day and we had a gift to give her and one for her friend Yulia from her family back in America!
Yep, remember I posted about this gal when we first got here and she now has a family working to bring her (and her little brother) home!!
These girls were so happy!
We got Aliyah a little set that had a pencil, pencil box, eraser that looked like lipstick, corrective tape and it was all princess.
Not much to choose from in the way of gifts here but she loved it anyway!

 Aaron got a monster truck!
Such a cutie pie!

All smiles!


 She is SUCH a good big sister!
Oh and of course, Ayden has the bunny ears up for her! goofy!


 She is GORGEOUS!

 Tickle time with Papa!
 This is a mound of rocks outside our house that the kids climb up everyday.
 Austin is always doing goofy smiles, I am so happy he really smiled!

Mommy wasn't feeling so hot so I was laying on the bed during much of the visit.
Aaron and Lexi came to cuddle me.


Aaron was cracking me uP!
He was pulling his sweater over his head and growling and attacking me!
LOL!
Everyone got a kick out of this!


Lou Lou has lost 2 more teeth in UA this year!
She lost one last trip and 2 this one!


He's ready to go home!

I love this picture!
This is Lou's footprints as she skipped her way to the orphanage to see her little brother.
I want to live like this.
Skipping all the way, being happy no matter what because I KNOW that My God's Got it!
Cause HE DOES!  


 

6 comments:

  1. I can so relate to this post. I found a song I wrote many years ago...one of the verses said "While running like Jonah He found me..." and that is what I spend a lot of time doing - running like Jonah because it is easier than the alternative and I have gotten very comfortable in the belly of that whale...But this is not where HE wants us to be...He wants us to run TO him not AWAY from him. But when we are tired, sad, sick, etc., it becomes easier to run or ignore. I have a huge problem in this area but the one thing that has helped me through this season (which has been horrible- will tell you about it later) is praying for you and your family. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey...I love you!

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  2. HUGS! God has promised those children their own promised land! Don't get discouraged, it is exactly as you say, he is testing, twirling, and turning you to discover your faith and heart. I am so encouraged at how you continue to glorify HIM! Praise be to Adonai!
    Deanna Keese

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  3. Such sweet pictures!! Hope that you are feeling better. I pray for your family daily and love reading about your wonderful journey to bring these two precious kids home. I pray that happens soon. Keep strong and most important keep the FAITH!!!

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  4. So blessed by your post-you will have amazing testimonies at the end of this and so much JOY!! Be of good courage!

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  5. Oh girl, right there with you! What a rough few weeks in our household as well! Nothing seems to be going right with our adoption. :( But God is Sovereign and He's got this! Nothing takes Him by surprise!
    Continuing to pray for your family! Trusting that Father has your family in His grip!

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  6. So grateful for the blog that you post. Not only do we get to read your adventures in adoption and with our Heavenly Father, but we feel like we should know you in real life. My sister and her family go to your church, we pass by your cupcake shop all the time and I happen to know many people who hang on until you post the next blog. Some of them are not believers. And yet you have influenced them! You are a gift from God and when the devil gets you down remember what you mean to us and this community. Remember that person who is reading your blog who doesn't believe and remember that you are planting seeds. Still praying for your family, adding healing to you in that prayer and hoping that the devil gets more and more upset at the growth that God's kingdom is growing! Sisters in Christ!

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