Monday, October 17, 2011

Update from Oct 11, 2011- Ayden's 5th Birthday

Ayden's Birthday

October 11, 2011

Tuesday was a hard day for this Momma!
It was my baby boy's 5th birthday and I was here, in Ukraine; he was there, in Oklahoma.
This broke my heart!
We were able to skype with all the kids and see him have his birthday cupcake from our lounge of course!
He kept telling us he wasn't 5 yet cause you wasn't here for my birthday.  :(
Why you not here Momma?
The question broke my heart!
Because, sweet boy, I am here doing what God has asked us to do to work on getting Sister home!
You are 5!
I am so proud of you!
Happy Birthday Sugar Pie!

The song promptly started and I beleive I made it through about 1/2 of a verse...

"Happy birthday to you.. *tear, tear , still singing through the tears*
Happy birthday to you**sob, sob, no longer singing**
Happy birthday dear Ayden **Look away from the web cam as I am bawling like a baby**
Happy birthday to you!"

Try to force a smile and look happy through the horribly ugly sobbing cry that was really taking place.

This. is. HARD. people!

No lies!

NEVER did I EVER anticipate missing a birthday for one of my kids. EVER.

Of course, I've missed way more than this one.

I just didn't know it at the time.

Let's see, try to put it in perspective here, I have missed 13 of Adrian's birthdays, 9 of Tanya's birthdays and 4 of Misha's birthdays, along with 1 of Ayden's.

What a mom?!
ha
Totally kidding, but I know that they know that I love them even though I am not always there in person, my heart has always been and always will be with them even when it is impossible for me to do so physically.

Did you add those up?

You know you wanted to!

WOW, she really missed THAT many??
I know what you're thinking!
LOL

Kidding!

How many was it though? Really?

Fine, I'll go add them up since you won't!
Let's see..
13 + 9 + 4+ 1=

I need a caculator for that one!

Yes, I'm serious!

**Tabulating**

TWENTY - SEVEN BIRTHDAYS Y'ALL!

TWENTY-SEVEN!

EEK!

Beat that!
Ha ha ha!

It's ok, laugh it's funny!

In life, we must decide on many occassions in many circumstances to laugh or cry...
I cried, and now, I laugh!
:)

It's all good!

Yes, I miss my babies like crazy, (yes, I still call my 14 year old my baby) and I can't wait to be home to love on them, but I am on a mission and must do what I came to do.

God is in control and I'm alright with that!
He knew I'd miss the special day and he used that to mold me and make me better and more like him.
You know, sometimes molding hurts..just sayin!

Real bad.

So, Tuesday was a day off from the orphanage and Ayden's birthday, so, after the sobbing we hung out around the house and just enjoyed the day at home or Doma as you say in Russian.

Ok, so I slept MOST of the day.. I got up at 2pm despite Bryan's insessant noise making of coming in and out to do the laundry!
That's right ladies, he did the laundry and he's MINE! :)
I sure am blessed!
Even though at the time I could care less about the laundry, I wanted SILENCE!  I was FINALLY sleeping!  Let me be!
It mattered not, I rolled over each time and went right back to sleep!

When I woke up I had already decided it was going to be a rough day but I would do my best to handle it.
Catch that?
MY best.
Like I can handle that alone!
Psshhh..
So, as soon as I set my feet on the cold floors I heard my Father calling me, inviting me to come and spend some time with him, to share with him what I was feeling, thinking, wanting and to just let him hold me and heal me.

I honestly wasn't too sure about this.. I didn't want to cry.
I didn't want to talk about it.
I wanted to call my boy as soon as the clock struck 4pm (8am at home or Doma) and dream about being there.
God reminded me, but you are here.
I am here.
I want to help you.
Lean on me.
Ok.

I fell onto my knees and put my face into my bed and began praying to God.
It was as though he shut me up right there, dead in my tracks, Alecia, I don't need to hear the ritual stuff.
I want to hear how you are doing.

God, you KNOW how I'm doing.

Yes, I do, but I love you and I want you to tell me.
How do you feel?

How do I feel?
Really!
You KNOW how I feel!
Yes, I do, but tell me..

Ok, fine.
I feel horrible!
I feel sad!
I feel scared.
I am scared, God, scared of what is happening, scared of what is not happening, scared of what will happen.
Scared.
I don't know which way is up and this is killing me!
I don't know what is going on with little brother or even Tanya at this point.
I am hurt and scared!
I sobbed as I sat in my Daddy's lap and told him all the things that were hurting deep inside and rested in his ever faithful arms as he prodded a bit further.

I am with you.
Now, tell me, what do you want?

What do you mean what do I want?

What do you want in this situation?

It was as though he was making me realize all along I had been saying, Oh, I just want God's will.  Whatever his will is, we'll be ok and we'll do it.
While this is true, MY DADDY wanted to know what his daughter wanted.

Here was my chance!
It's time to be honest.

I.
I WANT them both.

Whew, there I said it.
I didn't ever expect those words to come out of my mouth.
I didn't want to admit it for some reason.. maybe because of the flack we already take for wanting more children.  Maybe because I was unsure of what was going to happen and didn't want to show that my heart already felt as though he was mine.
But, my Daddy knew, and he wanted me to say it.
I needed to say it and I needed to hear it.

That felt good.
I want him too God!

I immediately felt better.
I knelt down that afternoon feeling as though I needed a great big hug and consolement and that's exactly what I got as he told me to go to his word and look at a scripture that has been dear to my heart for months now; Isaiah 41:13.
Of course, I KNOW this scripture so I was sure to remind him of that,
Lord, I know that scripture, and I proceeded to quote it..

and he said..
No, look at it.
I have more to show you.
Read farther.
So, I pulled it up on my nifty app on my iPad and I felt like his arms were coming out of those words and wrapping themselves around me like a great big hug.
Just what I needed.

I'm going to share those words with you here as I never want to forget them either.
Such a special word from God to me for my family!


13 For I am the LORD your God
   who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
   I will help you.
14 Do not be afraid, you worm Jacob,
   little Israel, do not fear,
for I myself will help you,” declares the LORD,
   your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.
15 “See, I will make you into a threshing sledge,
   new and sharp, with many teeth.
You will thresh the mountains and crush them,
   and reduce the hills to chaff.
16 You will winnow them, the wind will pick them up,
   and a gale will blow them away.
But you will rejoice in the LORD
   and glory in the Holy One of Israel.
 17 “The poor and needy search for water,
   but there is none;
   their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the LORD will answer them;
   I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
18 I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
   and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
   and the parched ground into springs.
19 I will put in the desert
   the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive.
I will set junipers in the wasteland,
   the fir and the cypress together,
20 so that people may see and know,
   may consider and understand,
that the hand of the LORD has done this,
   that the Holy One of Israel has created it.
WOW
Please tell me you read that?
I mean, seriously!
That was amazing!
I just smiled so big!
God was reminding me that he is right here with me, helping me and fighting those battles for me!
He is allowing MOUNTAINS in our way only so he can tear them down!
They will be blown away in the wind!
He even says in vs 17 that the poor and needy - He WILL NOT abandon them! - That's my kids y'all!
He will make things happen that we would have never imagined and will make impossible things possible!
Why?
Because I'm special?
NO!
Just as Vs 20 says -so that people may see and KNOW, may consider and understand, taht the hand of the LORD has done this!
ONLY God can make this happen and ONLY HIS NAME will be praised for all victories in our lives!

I can't wait to be on the other side of this mountain view and watch as it scatters in the wind!

Thank you LORD!
That was so great!
I was full of smiles and thanking my Daddy for such a divine word and he told me to look up.

I lifted my head and looked up at the wall...
blank.. nothing..

Down.

Oh, ok, What???
Wait!!!
WHAT IS THAT???
THOSE were NOT there before!
WOW!
Ok, God, thank you for that special sign of love and confirmation for me, yet again!
Now, let me explain as I'm sure you're lost..

I am addicted to a few things...
no, no drugs!
I really enjoy office supplies.
I am hooked on bedding.
I love to have kitchen gadgets.

Whatever, we all have our quirky things.
I said that to tell you that I LOVE bedding and I look at the bed first when I come into a room.
I go to Bed, Bath and Beyond simply to look at all the new bedding options and dream of using them all!
Strange, I know, BUT, I notice bedding.

Remember me telling you that God gave me the butterflies as a representation of what he was going to do with this whole adoption process?

Well, looky what I found when I looked at my bed....

They were EVERYWHERE!


I remember the flowers, not the butterflies!

I thought Bryan had different bedding on his bed.. yeah we were in a room with two twin beds - tried both in one, not a great idea, so anyway, SAME SHEETS on his bed!
WOAH~

Bryan came in to bid me good morning / or afternoon / whatever / and I shared it all with him and we sat in amazement at our heavenly father and how much he loves US that he would give us all of these blessings.

I go out in the hallway and what do I see hanging by the stairs??

You guessed it..
More butterflies!
I have walked past this picture over and over and never noticed it was butterflies.


Dressed in Ukrainian traditional garmets..
Beautiful!
Just like my life!

Thank you Lord for making something beautiful out of this messed up creature!

I sure love you Papa!
Signed,

A Daughter of THE KING!

4 comments:

  1. We love you too! As I walk in faith with our special needs kiddo I canpt wait to walk by Faith to adopt a special needs kiddo to love through their challenges! Gracie often says now "it would be nice to have a sister or brother that understood what I am going through....hey would do it together LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  2. tears!Wonderful glorifying tears! God is so magnificent!congrats to what He has done, what He is doing, and what He is going to do in your lives!

    ReplyDelete
  3. What a neat, neat story. I've been lurking for days - found your blog after you met another Reece's Rainbow family - and I am bowled over by your story, your faith, your "whatever, God!" attitude. Amazing. Cheering for you and praying for your family. It's WONDERFUL to admit you want those precious babies - regardless of how this all works out, with your admission, they became WANTED CHILDREN. Every child in the world should be that lucky.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just feel I am to encourage you that your posts are ministering to many, even though we don't post a lot of comments. It minister to me in an entirely different calling but yet affirms I too am clearly hearing from my Father. Thank you for being willing to minister to many by sharing your heart. I will continue to follow & see the Lord's plans beautifully unfold in you & your families lives! God bless you!

    ReplyDelete