Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Hardest day of my life.

This is one of the hardest posts I've ever had to write.  Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.  I don't know any way to say this other than to just say it.

Someone else adopted Anastasia.

Yes, you read that right.  I don't know how that happens.  Yes, we had all our paperwork in on her and yes, we had a date set to get her.  Yes, we wrote her letters.  Yes, we thought she got them.  No, we're not really sure.  Where is she?  Italy.  Is she happy?  I have to believe so.  Why would she leave with another family knowing that we are coming?  Well, the only answer I can come up with is that she never got our letters from the director.  She didn't know about us like we were told she did.  What now?

We trust God. 

We go.

We obey.

We help.

We love.

We welcome.

We go.

Yes, we are still going to Ukraine this weekend.  Yes, we are still adopting.  No, we don't know who it is.  Yes, we know God has a plan and a purpose. This did not come as a shock to him.  He knew it was going to happen and he has prepared our hearts to be open and willing to obey him in all areas.  This is not easy.  I can't believe I'm not out of tears.  My heart is broken, my nose and eyes are burning from the pain of rubbing them so much through all the tears.  My heart is also at peace.  I know that she is ok.  I know she is loved and accepted or she would not be there.  She is no longer in the orphanage and for that we have to be happy that she has a family that loved her enough and went across the world to get her and take her home to care for her.   How did the kids take it?  Surprisingly well.  Ayden and Lexi were devastated and cried a lot with me.  Austin and Adrian were saddened but have such faith in God that Austin told us, it's ok, God has another sister out there for us that really needs us and we can be happy for Anastasia.  He then reminded me of our scripture that we are memorizing this week..  Whatever things are true, lovely, of good report, think on these things.  He reminded me to think of good things.  She is no longer in the orphanage.  She has a home.  We have a home that can help save another little girl that is there needing us and wanting us.  God has a plan.

You might ask how I found out.  A dear friend of mine came over and borke the news to me.  I took it as any  mother who got the unexpected knock on the door of your child is no longer would.  I was crushed.  I sobbed.  I tried to figure it out, I cried some more, I thought of everything that we have been through in the last year. The promises that were made to us that she would be held for us and the fact that our paperwork was done and in country.  I begged and pleaded with God to help me and I mourned the loss of my daughter.  She is a child of my heart.  She always will be.  She has held a very special place in our family for a long time.  She will never be forgotten and one day, we'll see her again and she will know that she was loved so much and prayed for all the way across the world and she has a whole nother family that loves her dearly in Oklahoma. 

Almost immediately, I felt a peace of God come over me and comfort my heart and soul as Mary prayed with me and waited with me for Bryan to come home.  I felt God saying, I asked you to trust me in your family, now come and see what I have for you in Ukraine.  I wanted to shut down and say no.  I wanted to hide in my bed and cry and sleep it away, only that doesn't work. Reality is she is gone.  I will probably never get to see her in this life on Earth again.  I instead choose to be open and willing to lay my whole life before him and say, God, do with my life, my family, whatever you please.  I am surrendered to your will.

I spent most of the day crying yesterday.  I prayed and cried and read scriptures.  I had friends and family that didn't even know what was going on sending me scriptures and confirming what God was telling me in the deepest of deeps in my heart that there is another child there that needs us and is waiting for us to obey God and come. 

I am going to share with you the scriptures that have been shared in one way or another, by others or through God showing me or Bryan directly that are confirming God's will for our family. 

Jeremiah 29:11 says

For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.

From The Message Version - I like this version at times like these b/c in the midst of the fog and the chaos, it speaks ever so bluntly to our situations.  Especially when we are asking how?? WHY??

Jer 29:11

I know what I'm doing.  I have it all planned out-plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

Psalm 127:3 
Don't you see that children are God's best gift?  The fruit of the womb his generous legacy.

Phillipians 4:1  My dear, dear friends!  I love you so much.  I do want the very best for you.  You make me feel such joy, fill me with such pride.  DON'T WAIVER.  STAY ON TRACK, STEADY IN GOD.

Then I went on to read Romans 8 - which tells us the solution is to live life on GOD'S TERMS.

It tells us to go through hard times with God with an expectant, chldlike greeting of "what's next Papa?"

We are to keep the joyful expectancy! 

God knew what he was doing from the beginning.

Ephesians 2 :7 says

Humbe yourself before him and let him use your life to display to the world how kind and gracious he is.

2 Corinthians 1:8-9 says God is the source of EVERYTHING.  The Lord allows circumstances in our life that wean us away from trusting in our ability in order to truly trust in him.

 He has deliverd us before and will do it again, he is building our testimony.

God uses the needy moments in life to prepare us for his work!

Galations 5:16  tells us we are to be led by the Spirit.

Ephesians 4:30 says

Do not grieve God.  Don't break his heart.  His Holy Spirit, moving & breathing in you is hte most intimate part of your life.  Don't take it for granted.

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 God will make us whole.  The one who called us is completely dependable.  If he said it, he will do it!

Psalm 62:8 says Trust in him at ALL TIMES.  O People, pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.

Wisdom is seeing life from God's poitn of view.  It is discerning what good God desires to bring out of something that is not so good in and of itself. 

Romans 10:17  Have faith in God.  Faith comes by  hearing the word of God.

Joshua 1:9  Haven't I commanded you?  Be strong and courageous!  Do not be afraid or discouraged for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go!

Ephesians 1:19-23  tells us to understund God's power.  He is far above any ruler or authority or power or leader or anything else, not only in this world, but hte world to come.

2 Timothy 1:7 says God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power love and of a sound mind

In Acts 3 it talks about the lame beggar and how God used Peter to heal him and he says in verse 6 “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk"

The culmination of these scriptures told us both that we are to GO and accept whatever God has for our family.  It may not be our plan but it is his and his plan is the best! 

So, we are trusting God and walking in faith.  Please continue to pray for our family as we walk closer with Jesus and mourn the loss of our daughter and sister Anastasia.

Anastasia honey, we love you and always will.